Cottonelle for Kleenex

This morning on the bus, I overheard a conversation.  I did not have a newspaper to read or a Blackberry to keep me busy, so I kept busy on the personal lives of all the other passengers.  Unfortunately, I wish I hadn’t heard it.

A man and a woman to my left, further back in the bus, sat in silence until the man broke it with “My ass hurts.”

The woman was probably at least a friend of his, and asked, “Did you hurt it by sitting on your fat ass too much?”

“No, but I’m pretty sure how.  It kind of sucks.”

The woman was amused at his pain.  She asked, “What did you do?”

“Well, a week ago I didn’t see that there was only one sheet of toilet paper on the roll.  When I used it, I was stuck on the toilet.  I leaned over to get another roll from under the sink, but when I looked, there wasn’t one there either.  I thought for a few minutes, and then I grabbed something else from the bathroom.”

“Eww! A Towel?” She was horrified.  So was the woman next to her.

“No! No, I tried a tissue.”

She looked at him, and he looked back with sincerity.

“It was actually kind of comfortable.  Much softer than toilet paper, but– I don’t know, I guess I must have had a reaction, because I’ve had a rash off and on for the last week.”

Everyone within earshot was wiggling in their seats.

Psych: Coolest Video Ever

You have been directed here thinking that this post has something to do with what you searched for.  Perhaps it was cool tennis balls, crazy trampoline sports, or the hottest gophers.  I’m just going out on a limb to say you did not type cool, crazy, or hottest in the search box alone.  Chances are, though, that your descriptor is a word on the left of this post.

I am conducting a test to see what sorts of words follow those adjectives.  It is in the world of the Internet that a blog post listing just “birds” does not keep the average user’s attention.  It is only by calling it the “coolest bird ever caught on video” does it seem to be worth a net surfer’s time.  I will post a follow up to this later.

Thanks to learnenglish.de for all the adjectives

Comic Anxiety: Public Restrooms

So I’m doing my business.  I’m in the first stall in the row and the only other gentleman currently in the room is in the stall on the opposite side.  I remember being amused by a vandal’s posting on the stall’s wall: “Toy Story II was O.K.“

That’s when I heard a pair of sneakers walk into my room, an unseen hand push against my stall door, and then on the one next to mine with more success.  As he sat down, I grabbed some toilet paper.  Then I heard a loud sound of liquid streaming that I was not quite expecting; it sounded as if he had been standing.

I looked under our conjoining wall and saw those sneakers defying my expectations; he was in fact sitting down.  I pondered the short list of possibilities and checked them against my small knowledge of pee physics, and concluded there was no explanation, unless…

I had acquired a somewhat nervous sweat.  I half wished that a woman had accidentally entered the men’s room, but I knew the chances were slim.

Now, I know that public restrooms are not an easy topic for those whose bottom parts do not match the rest of their gender’s.  Still, it was unsettling for me to encounter this and so I write about it, not to offend anyone, but to recount my embarrassing experience.  With that, I write on.

So I hastily continue grabbing toilet paper and I hear the loud piddling noise stop and he starts unrolling toilet paper.  As I get up, I see him get up too and confirm that there was no mistake.  I cannot remember if I had flushed or not, because I was too busy focusing on him and how to get out of the bathroom before him.  I do not want to have to face him.

Unfortunately, he and I came face to face at the sinks.  He noticed me looking at him and said, “Hey.”  I did not say anything. I came this close to the door when I slipped.  I think I banged my head, but I got up right away and said, “Sorry.”  I’m not sure what the thought process for that was.  My head hurt, so I guess I had an excuse.

As I left, the janitor entered.  He brought a “Wet Floor” sign.  When I got home, I remembered that I forgot my briefcase in the stall.

I’m not so sure I like this dark theme anymore.  Still deciding.