One of those “Oh My God” Moments

Have you ever had one of those?  You know, you’re thinking about something and suddenly an awesome thought occurs to you.  You are thinking about it a little more because you know that there is something special about it and after a while it occurs to you that this idea is pure awesome.  No?  Let me provide an example:

Me and my high school friend Dave are on a plane to Florida.  We are only sixteen.  Its the beginning of spring break, and we’re getting ready for a lot of fun in the sun.  Suddenly, as I watch the flight attendant walk by with a tray, I’m hit by an “Oh my god” moment.  Those are the only three words that can come out of my mouth for a minute.  Dave takes notice and asks what is up, but of course I have to keep him in the dark until my plan comes to action.  He knows I have planned something big, and he threatens to beat me up until I stop smiling at him.  I can’t help myself.

So I call over the flight attendant, and I swear that this is what I told her:

“My friend here has never flown on a plane before, is it possible that he can get those plastic wings?”

And she says, “Really? Oh, okay.  Certainly!”  She smiles at him, and he gives her the sweetest little smile back.  But this is not a showing of gratitude.

Basically, back when we were in high school, Dave had this air of childishness about him.  He smiled for two reasons:

1. He had this really weird thing where he smiled when he was angry.  I never understood why but this time I was counting on it.
2. He knew that my plan was genius.

So as she walks away, all I hear are the words “I hate you so much.”

The point to my story is, I had another one today.  I think I thought up a new secret code.  Actually, it will probably be better as a puzzle.  You’ll see, I just need to scan it in.

Open Season at the Office

At my place of work, the summer months are when the work gets heavy.  Most people would tighten up in this situation, but I loosen up if anything.  I don’t know, I guess the fact that most of my posts are nightly postings show that I am a bit of a night owl.  The office is not open at night, thus most of my work gets done at home, at night.  Honestly, I just show up at the office for meetings.  My personal space at the office is infested with cobwebs I bet.

I will not say what I do for a living, but I will tell you that the office atmosphere is a bitch.  That is why, in the summer months when tensions are higher, I like to humor myself (and sometimes others) with office pranks.  Here are a few of my personal favorites:

• Fill a male co-worker’s stapler with effeminate pink staples without him knowing
• Collect coupons for embarrassing health care products and then decorate a co-worker’s cubicle with them while they are out
• Leave out of order signs on: copier, restroom door, co-worker’s computer, meeting room door, water cooler, chairs, office entrance
• Draw on parking lot with sidewalk chalk (might have to get to office early, lots of potential)

Some I do not recommend, but I have done in the past:

• A coworker who goes out for Chinese food every day comes back with horrible smelling breath.  One day after he went out, I dumped 400 fortune cookies in his cubicle.  Where did I get 400 fortune cookies?  You’d be surprised how easy and cheap they are to get.  I was.
• I got to the office really early.  A custodian let me in and helped me move the table and chairs out of the meeting room.  I brought in a TV and a couple of bean bag chairs.  When people arrived, they questioned it at first, and then they just assumed it was okay.  The boss came in and threw a fit once he caught half a dozen people in there watching Price is Right, all while I watched on the sidelines.  My most successful and gratifying prank ever.
• I once let a couple of rats loose in the office.  I told my supervisor they were pets and I accidentally brought them in with me, in what was an Oscar-worthy performance of the concerned pet-owner.  The entire office was engaged in a game of cat and mouse.  We spent the entire day and only found one of them.  At least that’s what they thought.  I had actually secretly taken one of them back.  They still think there is a rat scurrying around.

Why would I choose to tell you all of this while probably sacrificing my job?  I am quitting that damn place tomorrow and starting somewhere new on Friday.  Figured I’d let someone in on my genius.