I’ve recently hurt my left index finger, so it may take a while to learn how to replace it with my middle finger while typing. Anyway, I’ve recently had some funny ideas on how to prank an eating establishment. Why would you want to prank a restaurant? Maybe you know the manager, maybe the service was horrible, maybe the waitress has an attitude– you provide the reason, I provide the pranks.
Warning: A lot of these pranks are a bit juvenile and some of them can get you banned from ever coming back to the restaurant (it has happened). Seriously think about it before trying and do not do it if it is too extreme. Some of these even I will not do.
Waiting
Some restaurants force you to wait. This is a perfect first opportunity.
- If calling ahead for reservations, call with a complicated foreign name or almost dirty sounding name (careful, some may hang up thinking its a prank call).
- Or, even better, say it like “Ka-Noots,” but then spell it “K-N-U-T-Z” even if they don’t ask you to.
- When you get called, chances are it will be someone other than whoever answered the phone. Make sure you make a big deal out of him/her mispronouncing it.
- Tell them your party is twice as large as it is, and the others are still coming. Sit separated from each other as if the others will show up soon. When you order deny you ever mentioned your party was larger.
- Have your entire party bring handkerchiefs. Cough, sneeze and wheeze into them, pretending to fill the entire waiting room with germs.
Ordering
Chances are, your waitress/waiter is used to quirky people. That’s why you have to take it up a notch.
- When ordering drinks, make sure you express a lot of interest in the soup du jour. Ask the waiter about every ingredient and act as if you are savoring it. When ordering the food, forget all about it. Ignore the waiter when he mentions it.
- When the drinks come, switch orders with your party. Pretend that you ordered the iced tea and your friend next to you ordered the Coke. Make sure you make the waiter do all the switching of glasses.
- Try to see if you can order an entree as an appetizer. Insist on it. When it comes, wait for everyone else’s entree to come before eating.
- Insist on seeing the dessert tray before you order an entree, even if the restaurant doesn’t have one.
- If there are a lot of people in your party, have one person order something and have everyone else, one by one, say they’ll have what he’s having. Each time, he’ll have to make a new number on his pad. Likely, the waiter will have to check if they can serve that many of a particular entree. Even if he comes back to say it’s okay, have the first person change his order and, one by one, have everyone else change their order to that entree.
- Try to use coupons for fast food restaurants (for things your restaurant has), like free coffee or medium soda.
At the Table
Sometimes food can still be a long way off at this point. Try to see how much you can get away with without being kicked out.
- Everyone fall asleep at the table.
- Go through all of the bread in the shortest amount of time possible and keep asking for more.
- Play the Left-or-Right game with waiters and waitresses carrying trays of plates and meals. Basically, walk through the aisles aimlessly until you and the waitress are walking toward each other. Try to block her path by figuring out which side she means to pass you on, and then walk towards that side. Then switch simultaneously with her. See how long this can go on.
- Take out McDonald’s Happy Meal toys and play with them at the table.
- Be loud and obnoxious until the manager comes out.
- Light stuff on fire with the candle at your table.
- Play sword fights with the bread sticks.
- Have one member of your party change into a grim reaper costume in the bathroom. When he comes back, have him stand behind another member of your party for as long as possible. Have everyone ignore him completely. Either stay there for the remainder of the meal and exit with the rest of the party, or have a watch alarm go off and walk out alone.
- Transform the table into a mobile office. Do your best to bring laptops, land line phones, a cork board with papers and pictures tacked on to act as a cubicle wall, pen cups, staplers and as much other stuff you can think of.
- Take out food you brought with you and start eating it.
Eating
Here is what you’ve been waiting for. Hopefully, you haven’t completely filled up on bread.
- Make “OMNOMNOM” noises as you eat.
- Ask for extra napkins (if paper napkins). Hide them when you get them (most restaurants give you hundreds to begin with) and ask for more.
- Treat your non-paper napkins like tissues. Blow into them very loudly.
- If you are a man, ask for the ladies’ room. For a woman, ask for the men’s room. Do not make it seem like you are asking for someone else. Then, go to the correct room (they’re usually near each other anyway).
- Take a blender from out of your bag, find an outlet, and puree your food.
- Wear rubber gloves while eating.
- Drop anything you can find at your table into your drink.
- Count every french fry and complain that “there are only 56 fries. Last time you gave me 61.”
- Don’t eat any of your food, have it wrapped, and have the waiter send compliments to the chef.
Paying and Tipping
The waiter and management thinks this is their big payoff, but it’s actually your big payoff.
- Sign your name as something goofy on the check.
- Doodle all over the merchant’s copy of the receipt.
- Tell your waiter the mints were the best part of your meal.
- Instead of the pen they provided, use a pink pen.
- Better yet, use red ink and mark the check with a circled “C+,” noting all the poor quality foods on the check itself, and marking “good improvement” on the bottom.
- Leave the waiter grocery store coupons for tips.
- Leave the waiter a gift card for the restaurant you are at, if they have one.
The Exit Prank
Only do this once you are ready to leave. I’d advise against actually doing this because the ensuing chaos could be dangerous and I am pretty sure it is breaking some law.
Disperse your party amongst the restaurant’s empty tables. Before any of the wait staff realize this, walk a few steps into the kitchen so that you cannot be seen by anyone. Count to five slowly in your head, and once you have reached five, come out and scream “Someone has poisoned the soup!” at the top of your lungs. At this cue, have everyone else in your party scream and run towards the exit. Hopefully, the entire restaurant will do the same.
This is my most epic post ever
